Sunday, October 20, 2013


I watch too many shows about murders and forensics. NCIS, Law & Order, Criminal Minds, CSI, Body of Evidence and so many more. I've seen an awful lot of people convicted on blood evidence. I know how incriminating traces of a victim's blood can make someone look.

This evening, while making dinner, I nicked myself with a paring knife. This isn't an unusual event. I am not nearly careful enough in the kitchen. I have a bad habit of slicing off the tips of fingers, stabbing myself, then bleeding all over the place. I used to joke that the blood of the cook was mixed in the food, but it wasn't entirely untrue. My son and my husband both have been known to pull knives out of my hands and chop the veggies themselves because watching me using a knife made them unbearably nervous.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't bleed so much, but I do. This is ironic. When I go for tests at the hospital, they can never find a vein or get any blood out of me. I've suggested I bring a paring knife and slice open a finger. They will have more blood than they'll know what to do with. For some reason, they don't find this suggestion nearly as funny as I do.

Anyway, I nicked myself cutting up the chicken. It wasn't a bad cut as these things go and if I hadn't been in the middle of preparing dinner while simultaneously fighting with the cable company on the telephone, I might have put a band-aid onto my finger sooner. Then there wouldn't have been drops of my blood all over the kitchen. It wasn't a gusher. Just a dribbler. Drip. Drip. Drip. Damn, not on my sweater. Blood is so hard to get out of clothing.

After I finally got the food going. I put the knife down, ended the phone call, still snarling at Charter Cable. I really hate them. I made my way to the cupboard, managed to get the blood flow stopped. That was when I realized my blood is all over the kitchen - from this little nick and all the other cuts, nicks and stabs when I have been slicing, dicing, mincing or paring. CSI would have a field day in our kitchen.

If anything ever happens to me and my poor guiltless husband is accused of doing me in, they'll find my blood everywhere. The poor dear will look terribly guilty and all he's ever done is try to protect me from myself. This is probably the right time point out many of my self stabbings take place while fighting an endless battle with shrink-wrap and other packaging.

Have you ever tried to get a couple of blister-packed pills out of their containers in the middle of the night? It says "press here" and you do, but all it does is stretch, the urgently needed medication still out of reach.

I have found myself using hemostats (I use them for stringing dolls; I am not a doctor for living people, only plastic ones) to pull cotton out of pill bottles, stabbing blister packs with tweezers (the only pointy things in my bathroom), using a steak knife to cut the plastic seals on a spray bottle, attacking packing tape with a hunting knife. I have two knives: a 4" folding knife with a turquoise handle and a 5" sheath knife with a deer antler handle. Nobody has taken them away from me yet, but that's probably because I hide them.

I cut myself regularly, but I also damage the contents of packages in my frenzied attempt to actually extract whatever is in there with any tools I have at hand. My favorite tool is a box cutter which I have used for things like prying the back off my Blackberry to get at the battery. It isn't supposed to require special tools, but my Blackberry Torch was hermetically sealed against owner interference. Unfortunately, taking the back off and removing the battery is the only way to reboot the phone. I gave up and got an iPhone, not because I like the iPhone better. I don't. I just couldn't battle my way into the battery compartment one more time.

I do not set out to do myself injury, but in the contest of me against packaging, packaging is the clear winner.

Thus you can find traces of my blood anywhere I've ever opened a package. Everywhere in my kitchen. You'll find blood on my computer keys, my mouse, my knives, tweezers and especially my beloved box cutter. I hide my box cutter, always afraid someone will take it from me in a pointless (sorry about the pun) attempt to save me from myself.

If CSI comes here, just show them this post. Maybe they won't send anyone up for life on my behalf.


Alistair Phillips said...

I love all those programs!
I'm the same with knives. Only recently have my work colleagues allowed me near sharp things again. I wonder how long I can go without cutting myself again.

Marilyn Armstrong said...

We are really serious NCIS fans here. We have NCIS tee shirts, jackets, sweatshirts (I have an "Abbey" Forensics hoodie with a skull on it), caps, bags. It's almost embarrasing, we are such groupies.

Glad I'm not the only self stabber. I'm not trying to hurt myself. I am merely (a) clumsy (b) impatient and (c) inattentive. It's a potentially lethal combination.

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